In general, proper funeral and cremation services etiquette can already be rather tricky to navigate. After all, you do not want to add to the stress or create an awkward moment for the ones left behind. Thus, everything becomes even more complicated when you have to deal with the passing of an ex-spouse or partner.
Though this person being laid to rest once played a vital role in your life, your family dynamics surely shifted after the separation. That being said, you may still feel sad over the loss of what once was a prominent figure in your life. However, it is crucial to assess whether your presence in the burial services will be distracting or perhaps even upsetting for the other people attending. To help you out, consider the following factors, so you can thoroughly analyze the situation before attending the funeral of an ex-spouse or partner.
Assess Your Current Relations With the Deceased and Rest of the Family
One of the major considerations is assessing the current state of your relationship with the family of the deceased. This usually hinges on the circumstances of your separation. You may have kept open lines of communication, or you may have avoided everyone entirely. Should you still speak with your ex-spouse’s family, it would be appropriate to extend your condolences.
However, if your presence in the services will ruffle some feathers, it would be better to express sympathies from a distance. Sending funeral flowers and cards will suffice. You must also factor into the picture if your ex-spouse remarried. If there is a new partner in the picture, evaluate if your presence will be truly welcomed. Both of you may be experiencing a sense of loss and grief but in different ways. Being considerate of other people’s feelings will go a long way.
Navigating the Complexities When You Have Kids Together
Noteworthy, if you have children with your ex-spouse, you may need to attend to support your kids. Young children will need you to be there, regardless of your relationship with your ex-partner’s family. Put up a brave front and be the bigger person for the sake of your young kids.
Meanwhile, if you have adult children, they can attend the services on their own. However, if your kids request your presence, you have no other choice but to show full support. No matter their age, always remember that your children will always need your love and care, especially during difficult moments.
Attending the Services: What to Do
When you attend the funeral services, you must remember that things will be different compared to attending a funeral of other family members. After the separation, you are no longer part of their inner circle. Hence, it would be prudent not to pick a seat in the family section. Situating yourself in the area intended for friends and other guests is more appropriate. However, the exception to this rule is if you have young kids or were invited by the immediate family.
Keep in mind, your presence in the service is to show support for your kids and the bereaved family. Though you may have an estranged relationship with the deceased, saying goodbye and showing your respects for the last time is the honorable thing to do. After all, you did share happy memories once upon a time.
Hence, keeping mum about past grievances is a big no-no since the deceased can no longer speak in rebuttal. Besides, a memorial service is never the right time to express these ill feelings. It is best to keep a low profile. People will understand if you have minimal involvement during the funeral program. Keep it classy, and remember it is about the deceased and not you.
Choosing to Decline Attendance
If you don’t have children and know in your heart that your presence will create tension or spark discomfort, it would be best to decline attendance. Though you will not attend the services, it doesn’t show that you disrespect the deceased’s memory. People understand that some couples have a messy separation.
Should you feel the need to express your grief and find closure for the beautiful past you once shared, you can still express it through other means. You can send a sympathy card, a gift, flowers, or even make a charitable donation in honor of your deceased ex. And always remember, no one can judge what you are feeling regarding the passing of your ex-spouse or partner. The emotions in your heart are all valid, so finding someone to talk to is helpful in this difficult time.